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Based on the Trailer – The Space Between Us
We take so many parts of this world for granted, but what if we could see it all for the first time? Blue skies? Picnic blankets? K-Pop?
The Space Between Us tells the story of the first human born on Mars and his experiences seeing Earth for the first time. Is it a wonder to behold or a boring void? Well, let’s take a look at the trailer and find out.
So who stars in this movie? Asa Butterfield of Ender’s Game is our hero Gardner Elliot, Britt Robertson of Tomorrowland is his Earth-born friend Tulsa, and Gary Oldman of The Dark Knight trilogy plays scientist and mentor Nathaniel Shepherd. Other cast members include Carla Gugino of Spy Kids and BD Wong of Jurassic World.
The director is Peter Chelsom, whose other films include Hear My Song, Hector and the Search for Happiness, and Hannah Montana: The Movie. I’m not at all familiar with his work, but a quick look at Rotten Tomatoes tells me he started out well and then fell off in quality, at least in terms of critical reception. It remains to be seen whether this movie follows the pattern or returns to form.
The trailer begins with Tulsa using her study lab to study Gardner. They’re online chatting, and that leads to plenty of misunderstandings, including the meaning of people being real. Gardner says his best friend isn’t even real, to which his best friend–a robot–says, “That hurts my feelings.” See, this kind of attitude is why we’re going to have a robot uprising, Gardner. Tulsa also doesn’t believe he was born on Mars, although she admits to feeling like she’s from another planet herself. We see her sitting tentatively at a piano and then running away as people peer through the window at her. Yes, how alien to consider making music. What a weird person!
“Say I’m not real one more time. I dare you.”
Gardner wants to go to Earth, and his caretaker says he needs to get out and meet new people. But Shepherd points out, “His heart can’t handle Earth’s gravity.” Yeah, there’s a few other things about Earth his heart won’t be able to handle right now too. But Gardner says it’s worth the risk and blasts off for our world. He gets a rocking pair of sunglasses, discovers a world of colors other than red and white, and meets probably the world’s rudest girl before walking into Tulsa’s class. “Are you a transfer student?” the teacher asks. “Okay,” says Gardner. Then he accidentally douses himself in the eye wash station. His response? “Okay!” Gardner, we’ve heard you talk. We know you say other words. Maybe use some of them?
“It’s okay.”
Gardner tells Tulsa his mother died in childbirth on Mars, but he wants to find his father, who’s still on Earth. But Tulsa doesn’t trust him; she’s grown up in foster care, and she’s apparently gotten all the bad families considering how much she’s been lied to. Gardner points out that things that sound crazy can still be true. Then he sees a horse for the first time and freaks out. People who seem crazy can still be true as well.
“Danger Zone” plays in the background.
The road trip montage begins, and Gardner experiences hot air balloons, inchworms, and motorcycles. But gravity’s doing its work, and he collapses in Las Vegas. To be fair, he’s not the only one falling down there. Shepherd chases after him, trying to get him back to Mars and safety, but Gardner escapes in a biplane, shouting, “This is my life!” Well, it won’t be if you stay on this planet much longer. Sure enough, he passes out in the backseat of Tulsa’s truck and gets put in sci-fi intensive care. “He wasn’t lying,” Tulsa whispers. You know, this doesn’t prove he’s from Mars. It only means he has a heart condition of some kind. But whatever.
“I didn’t know you could fly a plane!” “Fly, yes. Land, no.”
The two close in on Gardner’s missing dad, and Tulsa spots a green car lot tube man and asks Gardner, “Friend of yours?” So because he’s from Mars, he must know little green men? That’s vicious stereotyping right there! They go into outer space and hang out (literally) in zero gravity, Gardner stands in the rain, and he tells Tulsa, “You make me human.” Well, technically your parents’ DNA had more to do with that than she did, but I get what you’re saying. “No matter what happens, it was worth it,” he adds as they sit on the edge of the Grand Canyon and as he vandalizes a bathroom mirror with the words “I WUZ HERE.” So no English tutors on Mars, then?
“I should have spent less time on rocket science and more time learning to spell.”
So based on the trailer, do I recommend the movie? Yes, yes I do. It doesn’t look like anything groundbreaking, but the story seems sweet, it’s got some talented actors leading the cast, and the concept of someone experiencing Earth for the first time is more than a little intriguing. If it’s executed well, it ought to be a fun time for the whole family.
Just don’t bring your robots. They won’t respond well to being told they’re not real.
The Space Between Us is owned by STX Entertainment.
Based on the Trailer – Split
I’ve always had problems with indecision. I can’t decide which restaurant to eat at, whether to run the yellow light or wait, or which fictional character to have a crush on. But at least I don’t have to make every decision with twenty-two other people.
Split tells the story of three girls and the man who kidnaps them–a man with 23 different personalities living in his head. Is it the work of a beautiful mind or does it need serious help? Well, let’s take a look at the trailer and find out.
So who stars in this movie? James McAvoy of the X-Men franchise plays Kevin Wendell and all his other personalities. Anya Taylor-Joy of The Witch, Haley Lu Richardson of The Edge of Seventeen, and Jessica Sula of Honeytrap play his victims Casey, Claire, and Marcia respectively.
The director is M. Night Shyamalan, who has made a name for himself with movies like The Sixth Sense and Signs … and a less desirable name with The Last Airbender and After Earth. Lately, though, his movies have been getting back to their smaller-budget, less grandiose roots, so hopefully this will be a return to form for Shyamalan.
The trailer begins with a dad and the three girls getting into a car in the parking lot. But Casey makes a horrible discovery: her dad is a litterbug! Oh, and also a stranger has gotten into their car to kidnap them. You’d think they could have escaped while he was putting on that mask or something. They’re taken to an underground bunker, where we keep seeing lots of wires and pipes and a hamster for some reason, and Kevin tells them he was sent to get them for a reason. Oh really? I just thought you kidnapped random people for kicks and giggles.
“Now if I only knew how to drive stick.”
Kevin screws the door shut on the girls, while Casey notices flowers on the pillows and in the bathroom. “Like we’re important,” she says, revealing deep-seated insecurity and self esteem issues. “The only chance we have is if all three of us go crazy on this guy,” Claire says, which isn’t a bad plan, except he’s already gone crazy on them. They realize this fully when they call to a woman for help and realize it’s Kevin in drag. “He’s not allowed to touch you,” Female Kevin says. “He knows what you’re here for. He listens to me.” You’re sure he doesn’t just nod and say “mm-hm” at appropriate intervals, Female Kevin?
“Does this turtleneck make me look fat?”
Casey runs into another of Kevin’s personalities, a nine-year old named Hedwig, and clearly the child of someone who grew up on Harry Potter. Kevin’s psychiatrist tells us she’s never seen a case like his before, with 23 different personalities in one body. She asks him who he is, and he answers with a random jump cut. Yeah, if he’s exhibiting jump cut powers, he may have something more serious than dissociative identity disorder.
“He’s right behind me, isn’t he?”
“Help me get out of here, Hedwig,” Casey asks Kevin, only to have another personality pick her up and carry her away. In her defense, they do all look alike. “If you try to trick me, I’ll tell on you,” says Hedwig Kevin, which is odd when you realize he’ll be telling himself. Casey tries to escape through the vents, because if 10 Cloverfield Lane has taught me anything, it’s that when a crazy person traps you in a bunker, you escape through the vents.
Suddenly, being trapped with doomsday-prepper John Goodman is looking pretty good.
We see Kevin’s body going through weird changes, and his psychiatrist tell us that he can change his body chemistry just by thinking it. I’ll be honest, the science of that sounds about as dubious as the time everything on Earth evolved specifically to kill humans (looking at you, After Earth and your killer okapi). “Someone’s coming for you,” says Hedwig Kevin, and we all hope it’s someone coming to rescue them. But no, a Kevin who looks like a priest says it’s The Beast, most likely the creature in black crayon from Hedwig Kevin’s drawings.
On the plus side, his nine-year-old artistry skills show promise.
One of the Kevins finds Claire in a locker, Casey punches another of the Kevins, and she uses a walkie talkie to call for help. “There’s a man here, he abducted us, and he’s going to kill me,” she says. What do you want to bet it’s Count Olaf on the other end? “We’re meant for something horrible,” she adds as a Kevin walks her down the corridor as though they’re in some bizarre ritual, and Beast Kevin runs around like the monster he is, sprinting faster than normal and leaping around subway trains. Looks like he traded in his psychic powers for very different mutant abilities.
“He wasn’t this scary in the wheelchair!”
We see another picture of The Beast, one of the girls is dragged offscreen, and police bring out dogs to search for the girls. “The world will understand now,” says Kevin as we get a picture of a dead deer for no apparent reason. “The Beast is real.” And we’re not talking about the Disney version, which is a shame because those eyes … ahem. The girls push on a door trying to keep the Kevins out, Casey fires a gun, and then she slowly turns around to see … the film’s title, I guess. And the trailer ends with Hedwig Kevin saying, “He’s done awful things to people and he’ll do awful things to you.” Which is an awful thing to say, but I love how excited he is to say it.
“After he does awful things to you, can we go out for ice cream?”
So based on the trailer, do I recommend the movie? I guess so. Shyamalan’s work can be a bit of a hit or miss, but this does have the feel of some of his older work. McAvoy is a good actor, and the chance to see his range in this movie isn’t something to pass up lightly. Plus I’m always a sucker for characters with multiple personalities. If you’re into suspense, horror, or thrillers, this looks like a fairly solid choice.
Though maybe slightly less solid since it’s … split. *ducks to avoid rotten produce*
Split is owned by Universal Studios.
Based on the Trailer – Moana
Why did the chicken cross the ocean? To be comic relief to the latest Disney princess.
Moana follows the adventures of the titular character and the demigod Maui as they face a threat to all of Hawaii, if not the world. Does it sail past the competition, or will it sink into the ocean of oblivion? Well, let’s take a look at the trailer and find out.
So who stars in this movie? Auli’i Cravalho debuts as the titular heroine, Dwayne Johnson of Hercules plays Maui, Alan Tudyk of Firefly voices the rooster Hei Hei, and Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords plays Tamatoa.
The writers and directors are Ron Clements and John Musker. These two bring experience from such films as The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Hercules, Treasure Planet, and The Princess and the Frog, so I feel like this movie is in good hands. It’s also worth noting that Lin-Manuel Miranda, the writer and star of the hit musical Hamilton, is part of the musical team creating the songs for Moana.
The trailer begins with glimpses of a peaceful Hawaiian tribe living happily together. Then it throws a giant lava monster into the mix, because that’s always fun. To keep her people from getting burned alive, Moana goes looking for the demigod Maui, tracking ancient glyphs and crossing raging seas in search of the legendary figure. Then she finds him and scares him so badly he screams like a child. Our brave warrior, everyone.
The only way she can get him to help is by holding him at oarpoint.
Still, there’s a good bit of hype built up around the guy. Moana lists off his credentials: “Shapeshifter, demigod of the wind and sea.” “Hero of man,” Maui adds. But not your hero, since you’re a woman. “I’m not going on a journey with some little girl,” he says, and promptly throws her out of her own canoe. So make that Maui, shapeshifter, demigod of the wind and sea, hero of man, boat thief. But the ocean drops her back on the boat and gives her a high five, since they’re friends. So is that like the whole ocean or just the Pacific? Does she get on well with the Arctic Ocean or the Baltic Sea? Because having 70% of the world for a friend is pretty impressive.
The world’s largest body of water approves.
So Maui, Moana, and a rooster named Hei Hei go off to fight the lava monster, but first, as Maui says, “we’ve gotta go through a whole ocean of bad.” That means facing off against the Kakamora (I hope I’m spelling that correctly), a bunch of coconut pirates who look cute until they whip out a bunch of pointy objects and turn evil. So basically like kittens. No wonder Hei Hei freaks out and jumps ship.
“I still think they’re kinda cute.”
We get a montage of Moana and Maui sailing through dangerous waters and avoiding fireballs, and Maui attacks the big bad lava monster with a giant glowing fish hook. Because who hasn’t wanted to see The Rock fight a lava monster? A fleet of canoes takes to the sea, we get more sailing (honestly, from the trailer, this could be Sailing: The Movie) and facing off against the lava monster, and a tender moment between Moana and her mother. The coconut pirates break out blow darts, and one of them hits Maui. “Blow dart in my butt cheek,” he announces. Because we can’t get that PG rating that says we’re not a little kids’ movie if we don’t mention someone’s posterior.
To forget that awkward moment, let’s go back to fighting lava monsters.
And the trailer ends as Maui and Moana open the gate to the Realm of Monsters, which is a shaft going straight down into the Earth. “Don’t worry,” says Maui, “it’s a lot further down than it looks.” Which is a little like saying, “Don’t worry, wasp stings hurt like crazy and you’re deathly allergic.” He cannonballs down and, after a ridiculously long drop, calls up and says, “I am still falling!” Which means he’s either found Steve Buscemi’s lair in Spy Kids 2 or the shaft to the Earth’s core in Journey to the Center of the Earth.
Don’t worry; they don’t get the references either.
So based on the trailer, do I recommend the movie? Yes, yes I do. It’s got great talent behind it, from the direction to the actors to the animation to the music. And while I still don’t know exactly what the plot of the movie is, I know it’s got something to do with a giant lava monster, and that’s hard to beat. The point is it’s Disney, and their animated movies are in sort of a second Renaissance right now, so it’s a safe bet that this one will be good and fun for the whole family.
Because lava monsters should always be enjoyed on a screen, where they can’t destroy your home.
Moana is owned by Walt Disney Pictures.
Based on the Trailer – Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
You’ve probably lost something while traveling, whether it’s a sock or your phone. But be glad you’re not Newt Scamander. He lost a whole zoo.
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them tells of the early days of legendary wizard Newt Scamander and his adventures in America. Is it a rare specimen or should it go extinct? Well, let’s take a look at the trailer and find out.
So who stars in this movie? Eddie Redmayne of The Theory of Everything plays Newt Scamander, Katherine Waterston of Steve Jobs is Porpentina Goldstein, Alison Sudol of Transparent portrays her sister Queenie, and Dan Fogler of Fanboys plays Jacob Kowalski. Other actors include Carmen Ejogo of Selma, Colin Farrell of Saving Mr. Banks, Jon Voight of National Treasure, and Ron Perlman of Hellboy.
The director is David Yates, returning to the Harry Potter franchise after helming The Legend of Tarzan. He was over every Potter film since The Order of the Phoenix, so expect that tone from those movies to carry over into this one.
The trailer begins by telling us that a wizard has set all kinds of magical creatures loose in early twentieth century New York, and we hear all kinds of nasty growls and see glowing shapes moving beneath the ice of a frozen pond. As long as he didn’t release any killer okapi, we’re good. The wizard himself, Newt Scamander, arrives for his wizard court date in a leather case that’s bigger on the inside. So maybe not so much a wizard as a Time Lord. “So you’re the guy with the case full of monsters?” says a goblin at a speakeasy. Well, not now. Right now, the case is empty and the monsters are roaming New York.
Wibbly-wobbly casey-wasey.
Queenie asks Newt if he knows anything about America’s wizards. Only what he’s read on Pottermore. We see a big wizard clock, get a glimpse of Colin Farrell’s character, and catch a mole-like kleptomaniac in the act of stealing jewelry. I can’t help but love the “Seriously? We’ve talked about this” look Newt gives the little guy. Queenie finishes her question by saying, “We don’t let things loose.” We’re very buttoned up emotionally.
“What would your mother say if she saw you now?”
As if losing a bunch of fantastic creatures weren’t enough, a No-Maj (normal human non-wizard) named Jacob finds a hatching monster egg, and Newt drags him along using magic, well and truly blowing the wizards’ cover. Jacob pops down into the Tardis-case and finds himself in a magical creature habitat full of things like horses, things like statues, and things like plants. “I don’t think I’m dreaming,” he says. “I ain’t got the brains to make this up.” At least he’s firmly aware of his limitations.
“I know it’s not in my head, and yet I still feel like I’m going insane.”
But as if THAT weren’t enough to expose the wizards to the world, something powerful and invisible attacks a campaign rally and the streets of New York, leaving huge gouges in the earth. “Witches live among us!” a soapbox preacher lady yells to the passersby. And they mostly use their powers to dress up nice.
Maybe it’s magic. Maybe it’s Macy’s.
But some wizards, like Colin Farrell, like the prospect of coming out.”We’ve lived in the shadows too long,” he says. Someone really needs to change that lightbulb. “Who does this protect?” he goes on as dark forces gather in the sky and a confrontation between cops and wizards shapes up. “Us or them?” Hashtag wizard lives matter. An eagle-like creature swoops in to warn Newt of danger. Really, eagle-like creature? I never would have guessed from the massive smoke clouds snatching everyone up.
“I try to make it clear by my personal style choices that I’m the villain.”
We hear of another wizard’s attacks in Europe and that this could turn into a war. Nice going, Newt; you let a few animals roam free and all of a sudden it’s a Wizarding World War. Newt and friends go out to save the animals because priorities, and they put a long bird-snake into a tiny tea pot. How many Tardises does this guy have? “Was that everything that came out of the case?” Porpentina asks. Nope, you missed the giant rhinoceros beetle with the golden horn.
“Here’s the plan: you go in first, and then we catch it while it eats you.”
Colin Farrell uses his powers to take New York apart (someone call Doctor Strange!), the klepto mole floats through the air, and Jacob punches a goblin because that’s now No-Majs handle their problems. “I won’t let another one die,” says Newt, totally spoiling part of the plot for the audience. And judging by the wand against Porpentina’s neck, she might well be another one to die. Colin refuses to bow down anymore, Jacob and Queenie share a romantic moment, and wizards and police battle. And the trailer ends with Newt getting attacked by the subway. See? It never pays to ride that thing.
“I saved up my tokens for this moment, Mr. Scamander!”
So based on the trailer, do I recommend the movie? Yes, yes I do. It’s got good actors, great visuals, and a host of creative fantasy creatures, which I love. My only worry is that there seems to be an awful lot going on in one movie, but if they can keep it all balanced, we should be looking at an entertaining flick.
As long as no fantastic beasts were harmed in the making of this movie.
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is owned by Warner Bros.
Based on the Trailer – Doctor Strange
Marvel fans have long claimed Marvel Studios has had a special kind of magic. Turns out it was more literal than they thought.
Doctor Strange introduces Marvel fans to the Sorcerer Supreme and the mind-blowing magic of the MCU. Is it magical or simply strange? Well, let’s take a look at the trailer and find out.
So who stars in this movie? Benedict Cumberbatch of Star Trek Into Darkness is Stephen Strange himself, and Tilda Swinton of The Chronicles of Narnia is his mentor The Ancient One. Rachel McAdams of Mean Girls is his love interest Christine Palmer, Mads Mikkelsen of Hannibal is the villainous Kaecilius, and Chwetel Ejiofor of Serenity is Baron Karl Mordo.
The director is Scott Derrickson, a director best known for his horror films like Sinister and The Exorcism of Emily Rose. The man clearly has a grasp of the unusual, and I’m interested to see if any of his horror sensibilities affect this film, but for the most part, this film is new territory for him, so I’m curious to see him go in a new direction.
The trailer opens with Doctor Strange using his hands for surgery and music. But that life is quickly ruined by a car crash that damages his hands beyond repair, making it the most oddly specific car crash in history. “You think you know how the world works?” the Ancient One asks. “What if I told you the reality you know is one of many?” As long as there’s not a reality in which Doctor Doom is a blogger, I’m good.
“I’m going to train with Ra’s al Ghul so I can get vengeance for my hands.”
Strange and Ancient walk through a shattered mirror of reality, and Strange says it doesn’t make any sense. “Not everything has to,” Ancient replies. I hope they didn’t apply that philosophy to the script. Ancient shows off her reality-warping mystic arts by turning a New York street into a fun house mirror and walking through a portal that carries her thousands of miles away while also changing her outfit and conjuring Strange out of nowhere. Which I know is just editing, but if you’re going to put those two side by side, expect us to draw the logical connection.
Beats taking the subway any day.
“How do I get from here to there?” Strange asks. Dude, did you miss the magic portal lesson she just gave you? But Ancient tells him it’s the same study/practice method he used to become a doctor, only with more yoga and ancient tomes and producing glass rainbows out of the air. “There’s a strength to him,” Baron Mordo says. But it ain’t in his hands, cause those babies got crushed.
“He’ll never play ping pong again.”
Strange stares at his cloak, washes up to give us the obligatory superhero chest shot, and finds three doors to different climate zones. One of the Ancient One’s students warns him that “stronger men than you have lost their way.” Specifically Kaecilius over there. He walked into a Victoria’s Secret by mistake, and now his eyes are all burned. “I am death and pain,” Kaecilius says. Well, Benedict Cumberbatch is fire and death, so there. The lights in the operating room explode, and Kaecilius tells Strange he’ll die protecting the world before turning New York into some dream architecture from Inception.
“I have seen things that can never be unseen.”
“I can’t do this,” says Strange, but Mordo tells him there isn’t any other way. Unless we called in the Avengers. I hear Scarlet Witch has some aptitude for magic. Strange pulls out a light whip and struggles to put back together a burning New York. Kaecilius and his goons use Dreamscape New York as their giant bouncy castle. Strange flings on his cloak and runs out to do business as Ancient says, “I’ve spent so many years peering through time, looking for you.” You’ve been looking through time and space for Benedict Cumberbatch? Wrong British TV show, dude.
“The game, Ancient One, is on.”
So based on the trailer, do I recommend the movie? Yes, yes I do. It’s a Marvel origin story, and those are starting to wear thin, but it’s visually stunning and it’s got great talent on and off camera. It remains to be seen whether that and the story are enough to push Doctor Strange beyond serviceable to truly great, but either way, it’s worth at least one watch.
Who knows? It might be Strange-ly appealing.
Doctor Strange is owned by Marvel Studios.
Based on the Trailer – Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children
Partial marks on this one: I read half the book before the movie came out. Would have finished it too, if there hadn’t been a hold on it at the library. Curse you, faceless library patron!
Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children introduces us to the world of children with special powers and the creatures in the dark who want to harm them. Is it peculiarly awesome or just plain peculiar? Well, let’s take a look at the trailer and find out.
So who stars in this trailer? Asa Butterfield of Ender’s Game stars as Jake Portman, Eva Green of Casino Royale is the titular Miss Peregrine, Samuel L. Jackson of Kingsman: Secret Service plays Barron, and Ella Purnell as Emma Bloom. Other actors include Judi Dench of the James Bond films and Terence Stamp of Wanted.
The director is Tim Burton, and no one does peculiar like him. Sometimes he gets lost in his own weirdness, but when he focuses on story, he can create something truly magical.
The trailer opens with Emma telling Jake she has to show him something, “but you have to promise not to run away.” No problem, but what’s so–OH MY GOSH IT’S A HOUSE! PEACE OUT! She gets him to tie her up, and then she unbuckles her platform shoes and soars up to put a squirrel back in its nest. “What’s happening?” Jake asks. A girl’s floating in the air, Jake. I should have thought it was obvious.
When you don’t have a kite, a girl is the next best thing.
Emma’s not the only one with peculiar powers. In addition to Miss Peregrine the headmistress, there are several other children, including one invisible boy and a pair of twins fighting over a teddy. Miss Peregrine rips the bear in half, proving that Solomon’s “split the baby” tactic works better than we thought. There’s even a girl with a sharp-toothed mouth in the back of her head. So you can eat people sneaking up on you, I guess. Add a girl who controls plant growth and Emma’s wind machine lungs, and you’ve got quite the mix of superpowered kids.
And they’re all kept on a rigid schedule of child slave labor.
To keep the kids safe, Miss Peregrine has squirreled the house away inside a time loop, living the same day over and over again. Do they wake up listening to Sonny and Cher? In any case, the day ends with Nazi bombs dropping on the place and all the kids wearing gas masks and presumably asking “Are you my mummy?”
AHH! The house is even scarier at night!
Miss Peregrine informs Jake that he has his own peculiarity, showing him a book called A Peculiar History. A guarantee you the only kid who’s read that is Hermione Granger. Jake argues that he’s ordinary, but let’s face it, what protagonist in YA Lit is ever ordinary? Jake is the Chosen One, born to protect the kids from Hollows, creatures who hunt peculiar people for their powers and who occasionally look like Samuel L. Jackson on bad drugs. “I assure you, we are coming,” Barron tells Jake. We’re just making sure we all go before we leave, though. We might be a while.
“I knew dropping that acid was a bad idea!”
Emma blow-dries the cabin of a sunken ship, Barron turns his hand into an axe, and an army of skeletons attacks an amusement pier. Emma tells Jake he has “the chance to do something that changes everything.” Right after you shoot that tentacle-mouthed Tim Burton sketch. Part of the house blows up, the kids arm themselves, and Jake promises Miss Peregrine he’ll look after the kids. Then Miss Peregrine turns into a falcon and flies off, and boy, are her arms going to be tired after the flight.
“Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Johnny Depp?”
“My dad said everything had already been discovered,” Jake says, to which Miss Peregrine replies, “Not everything.” Not the things that don’t exist, although I’ve heard Phineas and Ferb are already on that. And the trailer ends with the kids raising that sunken ship from the depths. Call me crazy, but if you’re trying to sail somewhere, that might not be the most seaworthy craft you could have picked.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the Peculiar Children.
So based on the trailer, do I recommend the movie? Yes, yes I do. It’s got plenty of imagination and a good story behind it, plus plenty of beautiful visuals and classic Tim Burton style without getting carried away with itself. Throw in some talented actors and you’ve got a perfectly entertaining film. It may be a little too intense for kids, but for teens on up, I’d say check it out. I plan to.
My peculiarity is the ability to chug an entire bottle of water in a minute, in case anyone’s wondering.
Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children is owned by 20th Century Fox.
Based on the Trailer – Jason Bourne
I can’t wait to watch this movie and learn fifteen new ways to kill a human being with household items.
Jason Bourne pits everyone’s favorite amnesiac asset against yet another unethical government organization. Is it the best at what it does or should it be disavowed? Well, let’s take a look at the trailer and find out.
So who stars in this movie? Matt Damon returns to the title role, and Julia Stiles returns as Nicky Parsons. Newcomers include Tommy Lee Jones of Men in Black as CIA Director Dewey, Alicia Vikander of The Man from U.N.C.L.E. as Heather Lee, and Vincent Cassel of Black Swan as a covert Asset.
The director is Paul Greengrass, returning to the franchise from Supremacy and Ultimatum, as well as a few films based on true stories like Captain Phillips and United 93. He’s done good work, especially in this franchise, balancing action and character development, so he should be able to pull it off again here.
The trailer opens with Jason Bourne laying in bed, because that’s the kind of action we’ve come to expect from the Bourne franchise. “I know who I am,” he says, and we get a flashback of the highlights of the last few movies. “I remember everything,” Jason adds. And boy, was high school awkward. But Nicky tracks him down to tell him, “Remembering everything doesn’t mean you know everything.” Gosh, you’re such a know-it-all, Bourne!
“I know where you live. That’s all I need to know.”
A CIA agent says they’ve been hacked, and that it “could be worse than Snowden.” Worse than Snowden? Wow, the critical reviews of this movie are already hitting hard (and early, considering Snowden hasn’t come out yet). They recognize Nicky from camera footage, but they’re more alarmed to discover their least favorite rogue asset with her. “Why would he come back now?” Director Dewey asks. Probably to keep Hawkeye from taking over the franchise.
Right now he’s probably missing Harrison Ford. That guy was a lot less trouble.
Riot police swarm a demonstration at the Greek Parliament building, but the main attraction isn’t the real world politics and economic crises and injustices we deal with today; it’s the beat-down Bourne gives the government agents coming after them with guns and what appears to be a rocket launcher. And once again, America has made it all about us.
Because nothing says ‘Murica like firing a sniper rifle into a crowd of protestors.
“He’s seen things,” says Heather. “He knows things.” So has pretty much every other person on the planet. You’ll need to be more specific. “What if he’s not coming for us? What if it’s something else?” she goes on. Then it really won’t matter, because pretty much everyone around Jason Bourne gets wrecked. Jason does his trademark disappear-behind-a-moving-car trick, proving once again that he is magic.
“I’ve looked up his web history. So much My Little Pony.”
“I volunteered because of a lie,” Jason says while the Asset hunts him down and knocks him off rooftops. I was told there would be cake and grief counseling! And he needs it, since he calls up strangers and says he needs to talk. Director Dewey reads the stats off Bourne’s trading card: “32 kills.” He goes on to say, “People are safer because of what you did.” Well, except for the dead people, and that guy you beat up with a chair, and everyone in that casino you just drove through, and all the cops chasing you, and everyone in traffic around you who are getting plowed through. Actually, this is about the least safe world I can imagine.
“I live dangerously. As a result, everyone around me lives dangerously as well.”
“You’re never gonna find any peace,” Director Dewey tells Bourne as the trailer ends. “Not until you admit to yourself who you really are.” And who he is is the guy who can knock out a seasoned fighter with one punch. I hope we’re not supposed to be concerned for his safety at any point, because I’m pretty sure he can survive any situation. Like, he’s more likely to survive a nuclear blast than Harrison Ford, with or without a refrigerator.
Good thing he brought bandages for the radiation burns.
So based on the trailer, do I recommend the movie? Yes, yes I do. Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass have done great things with this character and franchise, and from the looks of this trailer, they’re bringing back the action and character depth that made the other films so great. Of course, there’s always the possibility that they’re running low on ideas or retreading old ground, but every franchise runs that risk, and without evidence of such, I’m on board.
Plus I get a hefty dose of paranoia, because, you know, I didn’t already distrust my government enough.
Jason Bourne is owned by Universal Studios.
Based on the Trailer – Star Trek Beyond
First we trekked, then we trekked into darkness, and now we’re trekking beyond. I can’t wait for the fourth film, Star Trek to Walmart.
Star Trek Beyond features the crew of the USS Enterprise boldly going where no one has gone before, making new friends, and facing new enemies. Is it the final frontier of filmmaking or a star system too far? Well, let’s take a look at the trailer and find out.
So who stars in this film? The cast of the first two films is back, including Chris Pine as Kirk, Zachary Quinto as Spock, Karl Urban as McCoy, Zoe Saldana as Uhura, Simon Pegg as Scotty, John Cho as Sulu, and the late Anton Yelchin as Chekov. New characters include Idris Elba of The Jungle Book as Krall and Sofia Boutella of Kingsman: The Secret Service as Jaylah.
The director is Justin Lin, responsible for bringing us several of the Fast & Furious movies. Expect a faster pace and more action in this version of Star Trek, even more so than JJ Abrams brought to his films.
The trailer opens as Kirk ponders his place in Starfleet. “My dad joined Starfleet because he believed in it,” he says. “I joined on a dare.” Already I’m struck by how character-focused this trailer is, and I can really get behind that. “You spent all this time trying to be your father,” McCoy tells him. Well, his father was Thor, so that’s not an unreasonable use of time. “Now you’re wondering just what it means to be you,” the doctor goes on. Generally, it means speaking with lots of unusual pauses, getting your shirt ripped open for no reason, and womanizing every female in sight.
“Don’t even think about it.”
Someone comments on how easy it is to get lost (in every sense of the word) in the vastness of space. Doggone it, Kirk, I knew we should have stopped and asked for directions! The Enterprise gears up for takeoff, and McCoy asks, “You really want to head back out there, huh?” I understand his reluctance; it seems like every time the leave atmosphere, they get shot at.
“We just want to explore the depths of space without someone taking a revenge-based potshot at us! How hard is that?”
This time is no exception, as about a billion kamikaze spaceships attack the Enterprise, crashing through the hull. “They’re boarding us,” Uhura says. No kidding; you’d think they’d use the doors instead of making their own. Krall and his army come in shooting, and Kirk gives the order to abandon ship. The escape pods drop toward a nearby planet, and–spoilers–the Enterprise basically gets blown up.
I’m sure it’ll buff right out.
On the planet below, Scotty meets Jaylah, who claims to know why they’re here. Because the ship crashed? Meanwhile, Uhura and some of the other crew are captured by Krall, and she warns him that “Our captain will come for us, and mercy will be the last thing on his mind.” “I am counting on it,” says Krall. I’m desperately hoping he’ll foil my plan and kill me.
“It’s a complicated plan, but I’m a complicated guy.”
Scotty nearly falls off a cliff, Uhura bangs on a door, and Spock and McCoy have a conversation about fear of death that reminds me of their interacting worldviews in the classic show and movies. We see lots of punching, shooting, falling, and explosions, and Jaylah shoots down the idea of a rescue mission. “Everyone who goes there, he kills,” she says of Krall. “Those are our friends out there,” says Scotty. “We cannae just leave them behind.” They’re not even wearing red shirts!
Five bucks says they’re looking at a humpback whale.
“Unity is not your strength,” Krall declares. “It is a weakness.” Says the guy who commands a billion ships all attacking in perfect unison. “I think you’re underestimating humanity,” says Kirk. Clearly he hasn’t seen this year’s election debacle. “Hold on to something!” Sulu shouts, channeling his best Ian Malcolm in The Lost World. Kirk goes flying on a motorcycle, a ship falls out of the sky, Jaylah screams, and Kirk commands his crew to “Fire at will!” But what if my will is to wait about an hour to fire?
“Firing at will is illogical, Captain.”
The title comes up as Beyond, with Star Trek popping up above it as sort of an afterthought. And the trailer ends as Kirk goes to sit in the captain’s seat, very politely asking Jaylah’s pardon, only to have her snatch it out from under him. “He likes that seat,” Scotty points out. It’s the only one with a built-in cup holder.
“It’s got a seat warmer too. I like that seat warmer.”
So based on the trailer, do I recommend this movie? Yes, yes I do. It’s got plenty of action and fun, but it also looks like it’s taking time to delve into our favorite characters and what makes them tick. It seems to be keeping the spirit of the original series while kicking it up a notch for our modern generation. If you’re a fan of the franchise, definitely check this one out.
Who knows? If they make enough money on this film, they might be able to afford a colon for the next film’s title.
Star Trek Beyond is owned by Paramount Pictures.
Based on the Trailer – The BFG
I promise, one of these days I’ll get around to reading a book before the movie adaptation comes out. It’s going to happen.
The BFG is an adaptation of the Roald Dahl classic which tells of the unlikely friendship between a little girl and a giant. Is it a towering triumph or just another tall tale? Well, let’s take a look at the trailer and find out.
So who stars in this movie? Mark Rylance of Bridge of Spies is the Big Friendly Giant himself, and relative newcomer Ruby Barnhill plays Sophie. Other cast members include Rebecca Hall of as Mary, Bill Hader of Inside Out as Bloodbottler, and Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords as Fleshlumpeater.
The director is Steven Spielberg, one of the greatest storytellers of our time and the man who brought us the Indiana Jones films, E.T., Jaws, and so many more. It’s safe to say I’m more than a little excited to see his take on this classic film.
The trailer begins with Sophie asking the BFG what kind of monster he is. “Bone cruncher, child chewer, meat dripper, gizzard gulper, butcher boy,” he replies. Of course, since he doesn’t actually do any of those things in the movie, that’s quite a yarn he’s spinning. Sophie asks him not to eat her please, and the BFG asks, “You think, because I’m a giant, that I’m a man-gobbling canniabal?” No, she thinks that because you just called yourself a child chewer.
I’m not sure what’s a worse food source, children or that rotten pineapple he’s slicing up.
But apart from a playful roar, the BFG is as harmless as can be. He takes Sophie for a run to visit a glowing tree and tells her, “You can call me the Big Friendly Giant.” Isn’t Big a bit redundant considering the phrase also includes the word giant? He tells us he catches dreams and hands Sophie one just for her. Which is gonna be great, except now she’s so excited from holding a dream that I don’t think she’ll ever go to sleep to use it.
“This is where we grow our nuclear energy.”
But not all dreams are good, and not all giants are either. Some particularly large and nasty giants come to visit, and I can’t help but notice the BFG is tiny next to them, making his name that much more of a misnomer. “You has a delicious little bean,” says the lead giant. No he doesn’t, he has a child. That’s nothing like a bean! Sophie tries to run, but a hand pops out of the ground and snatches her up. You know, when she asked for a hand, I don’t think that’s what she meant.
More like the Tiny Scared Giant, really.
The giants throw the BFG around, much to Sophie’s dismay. “Are you scared?” she asks. “Yeah,” he admits. “I’m not,” says Sophie. Girl, you’re the one who could get stepped on or eaten; you should be afraid! A giant steps on cars like he’s going to use them for roller skates, and Sophie says she has a plan. That plan apparently involves driving a runaway garbage truck down a hill with the BFG on board.
“Off, my lads! Back to Toy Story!”
The BFG pours phantom parachuters out of a jar, giant fists play whack-a-mole with Sophie, and the two friends use a magnifying lens to size one another up. Sophie goes down a water chute, the BFG gives her a bath, and between the two events I’m kinda surprise she hasn’t drowned yet. And the trailer ends with the BFG leaping into the clouds so hard it causes lightning and thunder as Sophie declares, “I’m going to call you the BFG.” Oh, good, because that’s what I’ve been calling him the whole time.
“Pull my finger.”
So based on the trailer, do I recommend the movie? Yes, yes I do. It stars some great talent backed by beautiful visuals and imaginative adventures, plus it’s from a genius of a director, so it’s hard to go wrong. For kids and the young at heart, this one’s a must-see.
Because a Big Friendly Giant deserves a Big Fun Movie.
The BFG is owned by Walt Disney Studios.
Based on the Trailer – Independence Day: Resurgence
Independence Day 2: This time, it’s personal. And bigger. Much, much bigger.
Independence Day: Resurgence brings the dreaded aliens back to Earth 20 years after their first invasion. Is it a landmark of filmmaking or a landmark that should be blown up by aliens? Well, let’s take a look at the trailer and find out.
So who stars in this movie? Jeff Goldblum and Bill Pullman return as our heroes David Levinson and President Whitmore. Liam Hemsworth of The Hunger Games franchise plays astronaut Jake Morrison, Maika Monroe of It Follows portrays the former president’s daughter Patricia, and Jessie T. Usher of When the Game Stands Tall plays pilot and Will Smith descendent/stand-in Dylan Hiller. Judd Hirsch, Brent Spiner, and Vivica A. Fox all return as well.
Roland Emmerich returns to direct the sequel, so hopefully he can bring back the sheer escapist fun of the first film. We can definitely expect lots more over-the-top blockbuster action.
The trailer starts off twenty years after the first Independence Day, with Patricia telling her boyfriend Jake that she’s taking her father to the anniversary of the big attack. “We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him,” she says. Him and that one speech he gave. Oh, and that cable guy. We get a glimpse of the anniversary and the new woman president, and then cut to Dylan and a glimpse of his father’s between-films plane crash (read Will Smith really didn’t want to be in this movie). Then we see that Earth has integrated alien technology into their fighter jets, fulfilling everyone’s dream of playing Galaga in real life.
The closest they could get to having Will Smith in this movie.
But there are signs that the aliens are returning. Levinson finds a holographic map/distress call, and hippie Data hears the screams of captive aliens and interprets it as a celebration. Aw, how sweet of them to remember your birthday! Sure enough, the aliens return in a ship so big, as Levinson notes, “It has its own gravity.” Whole cities fall up toward the ship, and then falls back toward the earth because the continent-sized ship stops having gravity, I guess (and if Man of Steel can do it, by gosh, this film’s doing it too!). “Shouldn’t we be nervous?” Jake asks. “Um, yeah,” Levinson replies. About the aliens or the movie?
He’s hoping his brother doesn’t knock him out of the sky with his magic hammer.
Judd Hirsch stares in awe as the massive ship touches down over the whole Atlantic, no doubt boiling the whole thing and wrecking life on this planet as we know it. Jake leaves for battle, and Patricia tells him to “Make them pay.” “I’m not going up there to make friends,” Jake replies. That’s a shame; there might be some very lovely aliens on that spacecraft of death. “We’ve got to remind them Earth is not for the taking,” says Dylan. It’s five easy payments of $19.99 plus shipping and handling.
The delivery service has its drawbacks, though.
Planes and spaceships dogfight, more buildings blow up, and we get a glimpse of some alien skulls. “I had years to get us ready,” says Levinson. “We never had a chance.” “We didn’t last time, either,” says Whitmore. Well, except for the clear chance you had to install a 90s computer virus on their alien technology. “We convinced an entire generation that this is a battle we could win,” Whitmore continues. And this time we’ll probably win by switching the alien’s operating system to Windows 10 when they’re not looking. “We sacrifice for each other no matter what the cost,” says Whitmore. $19.99 plus … oh, wait, I already made that joke. “And that’s worth fighting for,” the former president finishes.
“What do we want? A girl worth fighting fooooor!”
Civilians hide underground while the army fires laser rifles, and Whitmore disappears in a cloud of gas while his daughter looks on. We get a glimpse of a giant ground-smashing laser and what looks like a xenomorph judging by the swinging tail (how’s that for a crossover). “It’s the 4th of July,” says Dylan as the alien ships swarm like in Ender’s Game, “so let’s show them some fireworks.” See? Now there’s a guy who knows how to make friends: invite them to a fireworks spectacular. A giant leg slams down on a military vehicle, giving me flashbacks to Godzilla and the MUTO’s leg slamming down. Is there a sci-fi film they’re not ripping off?
“The fireworks show will include a picnic buffet. Everyone bring your own blankets and folding chairs.”
And the trailer ends with Jake and Levinson flying through a crumbling Manhattan as the Chrysler Building takes out a bridge. “They like to get the landmarks,” Levinson observed. Yeah; in fact, I’m wondering how that building was still standing after they blew up the Empire State Building and most of New York City twenty years ago. Did they just rebuild every building exactly the way it was?
I know England is famous for bad weather, but this is ridiculous.
So based on the trailer, do I recommend the movie? Kinda. The first film wasn’t the greatest, but it had its entertainment value as a disaster/invasion flick with lots of explosions and dogfights. This one certainly has that, but aside from some fond memories of the original cast, the trailer doesn’t have much to make you care about Earth twenty years later or the new characters. Still, that’s only the trailer, and I’m cautiously optimistic for this one. If mindless destruction and Jeff Goldblum’s stammering is your thing, check it out.
But let’s face it, if a ship so big it has its own gravitational pull lands on Earth, our planet is so done.
Independence Day: Resurgence is owned by 20th Century Fox.
The Nerd King 